My sabbatical to Florida over,  I’m bummed to return to the throes of stinging weather.  But spring, however distant, is still in view, which means short season’s on deck.  Below, a (biased) primer on shorts….

Integral to wearing shorts is remembering to ditch the cargo- as Jonah Hill memorably asserted in Superbad, “Nobody has gotten a hand job in cargo shorts since ‘Nam!”  Not only are they aesthetically displeasing, but they’re too heavy; why bury yourself in excess fabric in warm weather?  Don’t be stupid, stupid.

And, while we’re eliminating the garish, make sure to eliminate any of this and this (Tim Tebow: uncertain draft, denim status).

As alluded to above, this post errs on the slanted side, as my taste for shorts reflects a prepster lean.  Still, I’m not 100% down for the pure New England aesthetic, but prep shorts feature a pared-down design ideal for harsh summer heat; less fabric (this is the master logician in me) undoubtedly translates into a more enjoyable June, July, and August:

Lest we forget J.Crew, purveyor of zesty red shorts

(above image source)

As hinted by the above photos, J.Crew and Banana Republic are safe bets for comfortable, un-buffoonish shorts; Urban Outfitters and Ralph Lauren can be sure-fire as well.   If you don’t have the gall to sport shorts above the knee, either, look no further than here or here for a push in the right direction.