Stained Incapacity: A Mini Collection
Morning before class
I want to wear the blue jeans.
They seem more sophisticated than the grey ones,
with their clipped ends, stained with mud.
But they’re too tight.
And what if I seem uncomfortable
What if I get distracted
by the band
scratching its way into my skin
I sacrifice the blue and step into the grey
hoping my mind will cover up what sophistication I can’t show
The bathroom casts a cheap light
Sterile white across my face, crawling beneath my eyebags
I smooth a soft cream onto my skin and lean against the
pale yellow tiles
and my face dries, looking right back at me
My hair is pulled up from its nape, exposing the back of my neck
A sign that I don’t care too much,
but just enough
to let my voice lead, not my body
or my face
I grab my bag and go
carrying the notes that I am certain will electrocute my brain,
throw my body in what feels like war,
and avoid getting hit
Sitting behind The Desk
My shirt keeps gripping my body
My foot is tapping too much
Tip tap
Against the ground I stare at
Their voices echo the room, the attention on the smart things
They say, passionately.
My notebook is open with my handwriting
Suffocating the page with ideas
That go unsaid
That go to waste
A desire forced to retire
BREATHE
I hold my breath until they all pile out
Until I descend the stairs
Third floor
Second floor
First floor
The door is only a few feet away
Only a few feet until I can
Breathe.
The sharp cold slaps my face
As the door behind me slams back
I pick up the pace, thinking
Where did I go?
How could this happen again?
I feel the winter cold infiltrate my lungs
A cold that lingers, that stings
That reminds me of the pain of inadequacy.
The effort that goes unnoticed
because I can't find a voice to carry out my thoughts
The red notebook pokes out of my bag
begging to be read
needing to be said
How can I write so many thoughts
But have nothing to say
It makes the hours of the night before so trivial.
The dedicated time to process
to understand
With the moon hanging low, fighting to be put to rest,
So that the sun can finally rise
My shoes click against the sidewalk
a noise louder
than anything I have ever said.